the world of parenthood is a completely crazy world that is hard to comprehend until you are actually living it. i was never one of those people who dreamed of getting married and having kids. i guess i just assumed that it would happen, but i never felt rushed to do so. there were a few years where i even thought i would be completely happy traveling the world. (and i still think i could have been!) so going into this huge experience i had no idea what to expect. some things have gone the way i pictured in my head, and well others….not so much!

1. i feel guilty for not feeling guilty.

this is a big one. and one that is almost hard to admit but here goes….i don’t feel guilty when i leave charlotte at home. on saturdays when it’s time to leave for a wedding, i hug her extra tight, kiss her face in the most obnoxious way, think about how i could just eat her she is so stinkin cute….and then i just go. there are no tears and no feelings of guilt. there aren’t even any feelings of “it’s so hard to leave her.” this is true even when if i’m leaving out of choice and not obligation (to go to dinner with a friend or go to the gym). i miss her when i’m gone, and i take glances at my phone to see if i chris has texted me any pictures, but honestly the time away is nice sometimes. it’s the perfect break to feel a little like my old self. these breaks make me love being a mom even more because they prove to me that just because i have a baby doesn’t mean the adult fun has to end.

2. that my husband would be mr.mom

i always said that he would be an amazing dad. i knew this way before we ever were pregnant. he is the dad that would want to coach the soccer team, attend the back to school meetings, and want to spend time with her. this i all knew. what i didn’t know is how involved and willing to help he would be. i am eternally thankful for this (and try to remind myself of this when he wakes me up at 4am to tell me he has to go buy tostitos. i can’t make this stuff up)

3. breastfeeding

throughout my pregnancy i knew i was going to breastfeed (assuming i was able to), however i was not neccesarily excited about it or looking forward to it. to me, it was just something you did out of neccesity. and honestly the idea of someone attached down there all the time kind of creeped me out. and then charlotte came… and breastfeeding was absolute hell. as in 20 minutes of screaming to get her to latch on…every.single.time. i think i could do a whole blog post just on my journey with breastfeeding. i emailed friends for help. i hired a lactation consultant. i googled breastfeeding help lines at 3am. after one particularly rough night, i had a friend come over last minute for what felt like a breastfeeding emergency while we both sat in charlotte’s nursery with our tops off and her showing me how (i wish i was kidding!). and yet, through all of that, the few times it did work i actually enjoyed it. it felt like quiet time for charlotte and i. i also think the fact that i was having trouble gave me more motivation to make.it.work. i was never against formula and thought about going that route as well, however i wasn’t ready to raise the white flag until i knew for sure i was ready. truly, i know without a doubt that i would have given up if it wasn’t for the support of my husband, our moms, and above all my amazing  “i am so thankful for them i wanted them to move in with me forever” mom friends who promised me it would be okay, to give it time, and literally pushed me through those dark and lonely nights. and you know what? it was. and then i fell in love with it! i love that i can feed her anytime, anywhere and there is no planning involved. {i don’t love that my husband can’t breastfeed and help me out} it was through breastfeeding that i truly learned what everyone meant when they said “it takes a village”.

and lastly and probably the most surprising…

4. i love my job even more now than i did before i had a baby.

one of my big fears when i was pregnant is that i would have a baby and every little thing i used to be passionate about would suddenly disappear. the traveling. the photography. the restaurant adventures. coffee dates. i didn’t want all the things that make up who i am to become a thing of the past. however, i also knew that there was a very real possibility that they would. i have heard and read so many times how new mom’s have a baby and the baby becomes their world (and they were right-she is my world), and then all of the sudden nothing else matters. and honestly, that is completely okay.  i figured i would be the same as most people. i would have a baby and (maybe) i would want to stop working and be a stay at home mom. i really had no idea what i was going to be like. what really happened is that i had a baby and now i love working more than ever. i know now that i could never be a stay at home mom. i love having my creative outlets. i love having a reason to put on a dress and heals and go to a networking event at some fun hotel in dc. i love going into my office, closing my door, turning on pandora and just powering through my to-do lists. and i really love that i get to do all of this while simultaneously being a stay at home mom. i think everyone has an idea in their mind of what “kind of mom” they will be like. or whether they will want to stay at home or go to work. and the reality is i don’t think you really know what you will feel like until it actually happens to you. i have friends who thought they would want to be a stay at home mom, only to ache going back to work. and i have others who work, who wish they could stay at home with their kiddos. i am in that small group of moms….the weird gray area that does both….but i truly feel so lucky and wouldn’t have it any other way.